Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

These are the conversation in which we find ourselves responding in the grip of our style under stress, inevitably behaving in ways that lead us farther and farther away from our deepest-held objectives. The power of recalling what we really want in a crucial conversation that has moved toward silence (withdrawing, attacking, avoiding) or violence (labeling, contolling, attacking)offers transforming potential for sharing tough content honestly and respectfully.

The format of this book offers the reader a nicely structured set of 7 principles, associated skills and easy to use key questions and anecdotal examples for practical application. All together Crucial Conversations has all the makings of a communication bible for those interested in expanding their influence, leveraging the wisdom of a group and enriching their relationships.


For when things get crucial   December 9, 2008
 39 out of 39 found this review helpful

We all face situations in life where things are tense and saying the right things is critical. This is what the authors call a "crucial conversation," as opposed to a casual discussion. Crucial conversations happen between two or more people when opinions vary, stakes are high, and emotions run strong. Whether you are approaching a boss who is breaking his or her own policies, critiquing a colleague's work, or talking to a team member who isn't keeping commitments, keeping the conversation productive can be very difficult.

The main technique the authors teach is the talent of dialogue. This is the free flow of meaning between two or more people. People who use this technique are able to find a way to get all relevant information from themselves and others out in the open and make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool. These people try hard to ensure that all ideas find their way into the forum; and as this "pool of shared meaning" grows, it helps people by exposing them to more accurate and relevant information so they can make better decisions.

The book also offers a series of tools for understanding how we think about and prepare for problem situations. They posit that people must learn the skills of talking, listening and acting together, and must remember that successful dialogue, "Starts with heart." They suggest you begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and then stay focused no matter what happens by knowing what you want. Never lose sight of the fact that the only person you can directly control is yourself. To stay focused on what you really want, pay attention to your motives whenever you find yourself moving toward silence or violence. Clarifying what you don't want will help you find healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

Another important factor they teach in the development of better dialogue is the ability to know when safety is at risk. Recognizing when the brain is beginning to disengage from a situation and moving away from healthy dialogue is a skill that must be learned to improve communication. When a dialogue is safe, you can say anything.

Since dialogue calls for a free flow of meaning, fear can kill the flow of meaning. To reduce fear, the authors say those involved in the dialogue must learn to look at content and conditions, to watch for safety problems, watch out for outbreaks of stressed behavior, and recognize when things are moving toward silence or violence. Learning techniques to make a dialogue safe helps everyone contribute his or her meaning to it. Once these things are learned, turning them into habits is what will make them useful when they are needed most.

I think the skills taught in Crucial Conversations are pertinent to everyone who needs to communicate better, and the light-hearted, engaging tone the authors use gets their points across clearly. By breaking down the tactful steps that must be taken along the way to a successful dialogue, the authors help us to develop better strategies for getting what we want.

Another book I love and recommend strongly for dealing with difficult people and stressful situations is The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book.


Insightful, practical, engaging--an exceptional book!   May 6, 2003
 37 out of 46 found this review helpful

When I obtained a copy of Crucial Conversations, I had very high expectations of this book having read the authors' outstanding earlier work, The Balancing Act. I must say I wasn't disappointed; in fact, I was delighted! Crucial Conversations is an extremely insightful and very practical book. Indeed, it is a very rare combination to find a book that contains profound ideas as well as provides actionable tools and Crucial Conversations delivers both.

The book addresses a topic that is largely misunderstood and vastly underestimated: high stakes dialogue. The authors define crucial conversations as those where 1) stakes are high, 2) opinions vary, and 3) emotions run strong, or in other words, much of both our professional and personal lives. We're all involved in crucial conversations at home and at work but most of us are not very aware of the interpersonal dynamics at play and/or we're unskilled in how to respond differently. The book helps the reader first understand the principles involved in "crucial conversations" but then also helps the reader develop real skills and abilities to choose or change their communication patterns. The end result is remarkable. The book's impact is a much bigger idea than simple communication--it's all about effective human interaction and getting results with and through people.

The book is highly readable, extremely engaging and actually quite fun. It is filled with illustrations and stories from all walks of life: business examples, personal examples and family examples. The fact that the principles and skills the authors teach can be applied in all dimensions of life--work, home, personal--is very appealing to me and made the book extremely helpful on many fronts.

I benefitted most from this book from a business standpoint and have found that applying these skills has made a real difference at work. I'm more courageous and more considerate at the same time. I understand people better but I especially understand myself better. I'm far more conscious and aware of my dialogue with others and I've greatly improved my skills and abilities to lead effectively. The bottom line is, I'm helping my company get better results and I'm far more effective personally. If more people in business were to apply these principles and skills in the frequent crucial conversations they have at work, they would make better decisions, achieve better results and do it all in a way that would build the trust and strengthen relationships. I couldn't give a book higher marks. Outstanding!


Best of the "Conversations" books   July 14, 2003
 33 out of 40 found this review helpful

Of the three books with similar titles: Difficult Conversations, Fierce Conversations, and Crucial Conversations, I find this the best by a longshot.

Fierce Conversations is a great read and a real pick-me-up, but it was more of an oh-yeah-i-should-do-that "reminder" than it was a wellspring of new insights. I'm sure the author would be an outstanding 1:1 coach, but the book didn't leave me with as much of a useful/memorable framework as did Crucial Conversations.

Difficult Conversations, by comparison, is heavy on frameworks, research, theory -- but it ends up reading like a dissertation. Though I'm an avid reader, I found it difficult to get through. I found the other Harvard Negotiation Project volumes much more accessible -- e.g., Getting To Yes, Getting Past No, etc.

Crucial Conversations is for me the happy medium between the two. It has the right balance of analysis, frameworks, and coaching. It's very accessible yet deep where it needs to be. It also carries a Coveyesque tone that any Seven Habits fan will find refreshing.

Certainly you can't go wrong reading all three of these books. But if I had to choose one, I'd go with Crucial Conversations.


Worth its weight in gold in terms of avoiding conflict!   March 26, 2006
 33 out of 40 found this review helpful

This is a great book on communicating and conflict resolution. It is well-written and the examples communicate the intended points without distracting from the flow of the book.

The concepts in here are invaluable. They are presented in a way where one can start using them quickly in everyday life. For example, the author talks about that good communicators are always scanning to see if the listener feels safe. This sounds easy enough, but is that really something in the forefront of most people's minds? By contrasting what the average person does with what a good listener does, the finer points of emotional intelligence are called out in a way that the reader can can digest and be specific around with respect to goal setting.

This book also presents the basics of a cognitive model of how emotions get triggered and how these emotions are related to needs. This is very important to understand when feelings are running high and the way it is presented, one can apply it to difficult conversations to get at essential needs.

Overall, this is an excellent book and I recommend it without reservation. I also think Difficult Conversations is a nice compliment to this book, but if I had to get one or the other, I would probably get this one.