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I Am Not a Cop!: A Novel | 
| Authors: Richard Belzer, Michael Black
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Category: Book
List Price: $24.00
Buy New: $17.52
You Save: $6.48 (27%)
Rating:  8 reviews
Sales Rank: 39710
Media: Hardcover
Edition: 1
Number Of Items: 1
Pages: 272
Shipping Weight (lbs): 1
Dimensions (in): 9.3 x 6.2 x 1.1
ISBN: 1416570667
Dewey Decimal Number: 813.6
EAN: 9781416570660
Publication Date: October 14, 2008
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours
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Product Description
IN THIS CAPTIVATING, OFTEN HILARIOUS DEBUT MYSTERY, ONE OF THE GREAT COMEDIANS OF OUR TIME BLENDS FACT WITH FICTION, AS LAW & ORDER: SVU'S RICHARD BELZER'S OFF-CAMERA PERSONA COMES TO LIFE ON THE PAGE, EMPLOYING INVESTIGATIVE KNOW-HOW AND COMEDIC TIMING IN EQUAL MEASURE TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY SURROUNDING THE DISAPPEARANCE OF A TRUSTED FRIEND.When Richard Belzer meets Rudy Markovich, nyc medical examiner, for dinner in Brighton Beach, he has little reason to expect anything more than a friendly bull session. But in the next twenty-four hours Belzer finds himself in the middle of a vicious street brawl, splashed across the tabloid headlines as an out-of-control celeb, and fearing for the life of his good pal Rudy -- who police assume is sleeping at the bottom of the East River. As Belzer finds himself increasingly required to call upon the resources he taps to portray Detective Munch on nbc, he maintains his sense of humor and carries us along on a rollicking ride through the underworld of New York City. With Rudy kidnapped, or worse, it falls to The Belz to track him down and solve the riddle to the vanishing act. The lives of Detective Munch and Richard Belzer collide and mesh in I Am Not a Cop! as one of America's great comics and TV cops brings all of his talents to bear in book form and provides a triumph of the mystery genre.
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| Customer Reviews: Read 3 more reviews...
 RICK "SHAQ" GOLDSTEIN SAYS: "THE TWILIGHT ZONE OF LAW ENFORCEMENT, WHERE MAKE-BELIEVE & REALITY OVERLAP" October 13, 2008
5 out of 7 found this review helpful
The author Richard "BELZ" Belzer portrays the infamous TV Detective John Munch on "LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT" and "HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET". In addition "Belz has made TV history by portraying Detective Munch in TEN DIFFERENT television series, including "LAW & ORDER", "THE WIRE", and "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT". What makes this book such a unique read is the melding of reality and criminal fantasy. The story is told from the point of view of real-life star Belzer. He uses his real name... his real job... his real wife and home... but involves himself in a fictional crime mystery. "Belz", as he likes to be called, has dinner with his old friend, Russian immigrant, and soon-to-be former medical examiner, Rudy Markovich. Rudy just isn't his normal self at dinner, and leaves hints as to a problem he won't fully discuss, as they make plans to meet at Madison Square Garden the following night to see Alexi Zotkin a mutual friend, who happens to be defending his Heavyweight Boxing Championship. After dinner as Belz and Rudy leave the restaurant, Rudy is attacked by two Russian/Ukrainian types, and Belz comes to his rescue, dazzling the reader with his otherworldly martial arts skills. These skills become one of a number of ongoing themes in the story, as Belz spends a lot of time at his friendly "dojo", where the proprietor's are like family, and offer sage advice as well as martial art training.
When Belz gets to work the next day it turns out that the "New York Inquirer" a local gossip rag, has his picture in the paper from the little "dust-up" he had with the thugs that attacked Rudy. The reader is then introduced to one of Belzer's main foils in the story; assistant producer, Vernon Franker. The reader is led to believe that this is not the first time Belz has brought unwanted publicity to the TV show, so Franker assigns someone to shadow Belzer in an attempt to thwart negative publicity for the show. That someone is KALISHA "Kali" CARTER... "SHE'S BEEN WORKING IN PUBLICITY AND IS NOW YOUR OFFICIAL LIAISON TO THE PRESS." She went to City College and majored in journalism. At first Kali is out of her element as Belz is intent on finding out more about the thugs that attacked his friend... and when Rudy doesn't show up at the boxing match the next night... and is missing... and then linked to four murders... Belz, despite being warned by the police department to not get involved... because... HE IS NOT A COP... he relentlessly drags Kali deeper and deeper into an unlicensed detective investigation. Kali is shocked at first when Belz illegally "tins" himself in to investigation sites, but then she finds herself playing different roles and persona's to help solve the case... and she finds she really enjoys it. They could make quite a team in any subsequent sagas. An ongoing humorous "shtick" throughout the story is how so many people recognize Belz as being a famous personality... but never the right one. After the first fight... the cab driver thought he was Steven Seagal... later another driver thought he was James Woods... another character thought he was the guy on CSI... and throughout it all, Belz throws out classic one liners such as: "HER FULL LIPS COMPRESSED INWARD. IT LOOKED LIKE SHE MIGHT HAVE HAD THE SAME PLASTIC SURGEON AS SHARON STONE"... "WEARING A PHONY BADGE CAN OPEN A LOT OF DOORS. YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE THE KIND THAT DON'T GET LOCKED BEHIND YOU"... "HIS CHEEKS ROSE UPWARD LIKE SOMEONE HAD PUPPET STRINGS ATTACHED TO THEM"... "STILL WEARING HIS ALTERNATE LOSER PLAID SPORTS COAT, THE LAPELS SO BIG A CESSNA COULD HAVE USED THEM FOR A LANDING STRIP"... "THAT GUY PUTIN, JUST IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD'VE BEEN LIKE IF INSTEAD OF GETTING SHIPPED OFF TO ALCATRAZ, AL CAPONE HAD BEEN ELECTED PRESIDENT."
This is a very imaginative scenario played out with enough humor and intrigue to keep you happily turning every page.
The Belz does great with his foray into fiction ! November 1, 2008
5 out of 7 found this review helpful
I just finished reading the book about 10 minutes ago, and I thought it was very good. I must admit that it was my first mystery novel since my Encyclopedia Brown days, nevertheless I thought Richard Belzer made a terrific entrance into the world of fiction. It is a compelling mystery laced with humorous thoughts, which had me laughing to myself on almost every page. I truly hope he decides to write another book in this genre, because this one was absolutely a great read.
Belzer Gives Us a Great Ride! November 14, 2008
3 out of 4 found this review helpful
Richard Belzer's first foray into fiction, "I Am Not a Cop," is a fine blend of Belz as a self-insert, a character in his own tale of his missing friend, Russian thugs, the rock trade, a Ukrainian boxer, martial arts, a very mysterious redhead and a personal assistant named Kalisha ("Kali") Carter - in addition to various other characters, all of whom are memorable and well-developed.
To put it bluntly, this book is one hell of a great ride and a terrific example of Belzer's adeptness with noir lit. After reading his most famous non-fiction work, "UFOs, JFK and Elvis: Conspiracies You Don't Have to be Crazy to Believe," as well as his ghost-writing of Ireland's previous Secretary of State Mo Mowlam's "Momentum"), it was always clear to me the guy knows how to spill his wit by way of the pen. I wondered what was in store for his fiction, especially since his co-author's (Michael Black's) style is very different from that of The Belz. Their styles meshed from the start, leaving me to wonder where one began and the other ended.
For those of you unfamiliar with the basic plot, it unfolds with Belz meeting a dear friend, Rudy Markovich, over dinner one night. Rudy's a troubled man, but he won't divulge to Richard exactly why. After a post-prandial brawl with some dangerous Ukrainians, Rudy bids Belz goodnight with the promise to meet him at Madison Square Garden for Alexi Zotkin's boxing match. He never shows, which starts Belz unraveling the mystery of his friend's disappearance.
Assigned a personal assistant, the intrepid Kali Carter, to `keep him out of trouble' after his street brawl made the local rag, he and Carter delve deep into a world of Russian diamond traders and political intrigue, all the while shadowed by sleaze-bag reporter Cyrus Gustafson. Balancing his acting responsibilities on "Law & Order: SVU" with his investigative skills, he's also under the near-constant scrutiny of Vernon Franker, "assistant to the assistant" on the show. The pressure continues to ratchet upward on Belz as he and Kali are drawn deeper and deeper into palpable danger. All the while, a beautiful Russian redhead interjects herself into the mix, purportedly because of her unique connection to the missing Markovich.
When it seems best for Belz to hire a private investigator to assist in the search for Rudy, things go from dangerous to deadly for both Richard and Kalisha, as Belz contemplates the last time he spoke to his wife and whether or not he'll ever hear her voice again. This noir thriller has a most satisfying - and completely credible - conclusion, which will leave you nodding sagely after the fact over the clue carefully planted along the way. As I said earlier, it is certainly one hell of a great ride. It's also a quick read at 257 fast-paced pages of prose.
Those of you looking for the `real' Belz between the pages won't be disappointed. While a reviewer at Publishers Weekly felt there wasn't enough of the acerbic actor on display, I can assure you that's untrue. While Michael Black imbued the slightly more fictional Belz with exceptional martial arts skills (Black is a member of Chicago's thin blue line and a black belt in tae kwon do), there are plenty of the comic's smart-ass remarks, asides and pop culture references to make his fans very happy. For those wanting more about the tall, fashionably thin actor, there are tidbits from Belz's life and lifestyle scattered throughout, like his near-constant jones for coffee in lieu of sleep.
While there have been rumblings about a feature film and other related projects, what I'd like to have first is an audiobook narrated by Belz. (Or perhaps a lengthy podcast, given our current technology.) I think he can do even more to bring his characters to life in such a medium. Word on the street is, he's already turned his second manuscript in to Simon & Schuster, with yet a third book in the planning phase. It would be wonderful to see this become a long series of books, in collaboration with Michael Black. (Both authors are pet lovers, too. What's not to love about a guy with two dogs and a writing partner with five cats?)
As an actor, comedian, producer and writer, Richard Belzer has this entertainment thing down pat - he always leaves his audience wanting more.
stand up comic Noir-Lit October 12, 2008
2 out of 5 found this review helpful
When comic Richard Belzer's friend, New York City assistant medical examiner Rudy Markovich disappears without a trace, the comic actor becomes concerned especially when his pal fails to meet him at MSG for the heavyweight title fight as they planned. The more he learns of the vanishing, the more worried he becomes. Unable to remain idle, Richard decides to investigate even as he keeps reminding himself that "I AM NOT A COP"; only an actor who has seen many TV corpses in NYC and Baltimore..
He understands his experience as a sleuth is based on his role as role as Detective John Munch in Law & Order, but he believes how hard is it for real life to imitate Hollywood. He affirms his belief when Belzer finds a clue that ties four deaths to his case. Meanwhile Belzer's producer worries about his actor getting hurt while on the mean streets of New York so Kalisha Carter is assigned to accompany him as he makes inquiries into the four deaths and their ties to Rudy.
The fun story line rotates action with detective musing as Beltzer investigates the disappearance starting at MSG and continuing on the mean streets of New York. Although Beltzer the literary amateur sleuth is no Munch, fans will appreciate his efforts especially his stand up comic Noir-Lit aside commentary.
Harriet Klausner
I Am Not a Cop! November 16, 2008
0 out of 3 found this review helpful
This is a fun read...I like him in L&O because his conspiracy buff comes out and I am too. I love mystery/murder stories and of course you sense his personality through this story. Good book.
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