Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

A PAPERBACK ORIGINAL

"Most books make promises. This one delivers. These skills have not only helped us to change the culture of our company, but have also generated new techniques for working together in ways that enabled us to win the largest contract in our industry's history."--Dain M. Hancock, President, Lockheed Martin Aeronautics

A powerful, seven-step approach to handling difficult conversations with confidence and skill

"Crucial" conversations are interpersonal exchanges at work or at home that we dread having but know we cannot avoid. How do you say what needs to be said while avoiding an argument with a boss, child, or relationship partner? Crucial Conversations offers readers a proven seven-point strategy for achieving their goals in all those emotionally, psychologically, or legally charged situations that can arise in their professional and personal lives. Based on the authors' highly popular DialogueSmart training seminars, the techniques are geared toward getting people to lower their defenses, creating mutual respect and understanding, increasing emotional safety, and encouraging freedom of expression. Among other things, readers also learn about the four main factors that characterize crucial conversations, and they get a powerful six-minute mastery technique that prepares them to work through any highimpact situation with confidence.

I just finished Crucial Conversations and the first thing that I did as I laid down the book, was to log on to Amazon and order 30 copies to give to the managers within my company. I am the owner of my company of 600 employees and I am constantly searching for better ways to improve communication among our staff and employees. I am going to make sure that my HR team includes these principles into their training.

As I read through this book, I found that so many of our issues within the company would have been eliminated or diminished if we had embraced and utilized the tools laid out within this book. I could have avoided a costly lawsuit if these principles had been utilized when we were disciplining and eventually terminating an unproductive employee.

The authors have blended the humor of Dilbert, with the vision of Stephen Covey, with the practicality of consultants who have been down in the trenches of some of the biggest corporations in the US. It is an easy and enjoyable read.

I also found as I read the book that I kept thinking about how to use these tools to improve the conversations in my personal life, with my wife and with my children. I would love to see a second book that focused on Crucial Conversations at Home.


Packed With Knowledge!   June 11, 2004
 81 out of 85 found this review helpful

Wanna argue? Nope. Then you need Kerry Patterson and his co-writers, who describe techniques for effective negotiation and conflict resolution in the context of important, potentially life-changing conversations. Examples include talking yourself into a promotion, bringing up important information at meetings and working out problems with your spouse. Some tips will sound familiar, such as knowing what you really want and being open to alternatives. However, the book also highlights some themes that are often forgotten in negotiations, such as making it safe for others to express their true feelings and desires. The authors explain how to avoid getting forced into false either-or choices and tell you how to remain alert for unstated alternatives or possibilities. This lively book includes many examples drawn from business and personal relationships. We recommend it in particular to those are new to negotiations and conflict resolution, though it teaches solid skills that any manager - or any marriage partner, for that matter - could benefit from mastering.


Fundamental Truths   June 26, 2002
 57 out of 64 found this review helpful

As the program manager of a cross-functional product development team, I daily arbitrate or engage in emotionally charged crucial conversations. The principles in this book enable me to identify these crucial situations, diffuse tension, draw out meaning from each of the parties, and ultimately reach the best action plan possible. Most importantly, since I started using the principles in this book, mutual respect and unity on my team has increased dramatically--positional debate and argument is almost non-existent. Reading this book also helped me change my perspective of crucial conversations. Instead of fearing and avoiding them, I now recognize them as incredible opportunities for me to lead.

My recurring thought as I read this book was that these are "fundamental truths". The authors use accessible writing with minimal jargon and no word invention. Additionally, they reinforce their theories with an abundance of applicable technique. These are not trendy gimmicks that manipulate people into agreeing with you. Rather, the authors teach fundamentally sound communication skills that enable the reader to fully understand others and then to explain their own perspective in a respectful, non-confrontational way. The principles taught in this book are universally applicable. Not only have I used them in business, but they also help me strengthen my communication with family. Likewise, I know I will use these skills in the team oriented Stanford MBA program that I will begin this fall.


These techniques really work!   August 22, 2003
 50 out of 53 found this review helpful

I bought this book after undergoing a first, miserable mediation session with my soon-to-be-exhusband. The stakes are high--it's our property settlement, and my husband had been cashing out the savings and spending them, while leaving me to take care of the 2 mortgages and other obligations. It was easy, but not very productive, to point out where I felt he was wrong.

I started reading Crucial Conversations and using the tools as well as I could, while watching our mediator model them. I stopped participating in the accuse/counter-accuse game, and focused on bringing information to the table, while I used the crucial conversation tools to keep our discussions productive.

The book starts out with a self-assessment to determine your own communications strengths and weaknesses.

My biggest faux-pas with my husband was to cause Respect violations. The CC tools gave me a usable set of actions to take to set things back on track:
* Apologize (I'm sorry if that sounded disrespectful.)
* Contrast (I don't want to make you out to be the bad guy, I'm just concerned that I won't have any funds left to cover the emergencies.)
* CRIB
- Commit to seek mutual purpose (I'll stay in this process as long as it takes for us to reach agreement.)
- Recognize the purpose behind his strategy (It's understandable that you're unhappy with our situation and that you're trying to do something to feel better.)
- Invent a mutual purpose (I want us both to be happy and secure after the divorce.)
- Brainstorm new strategies (Maybe we can just focus on the numbers for now, and put off worrying about how we're going to divide things until later.

Using these tools has kept the dialogue moving forward, and we're very close to agreement, after just two more sessions.

The Crucial Conversations tools won't change another person who's determined to be unreasonable into a perfectly cooperative person, but they will give you a sane way to stay in dialogue and still hold the other person accountable for his or her own irrational attitudes and behavior.

I think this book is a must-have for anyone who has had a hard time dealing with conflict. I'll be reaching for it again, I know.


Ignores conversational reality   September 6, 2007
 44 out of 57 found this review helpful

Do we need a book to tell us that if we and/or our conversational partners are overly emotional or argumentative, create an uncomfortable or unsafe setting, clam up, will not listen, are incapable of adaptation or appreciating other views, or are not overly bright that chances for conversational success are greatly diminished. The author's message is that in the absence of these negativities, that basically free-flowing dialog where all the relevant information is brought into the open will result in effective communication. The emphasis in the book is within business organizations, in particular between employees and employers, although the ideas pertain to all other so-called high stakes conversations between various persons. However, the book absolutely fails to deal with conversational reality.

It is readily obvious that the authors are consultants to the business community (managers), because of their dismissal of the power differentials in the workplace. Their citing of a few brave employees who questioned or contradicted a top manager, serves merely to reinforce the hazards to employees for speaking out in the workplace. Of course, such non-controversial topics as safety, productivity, or where to have the company picnic can be broached. Fundamental topics such as policies, strategies, products, marketing, structures, or personnel are invariably off limits. If the authors wanted to be serious about conversations within businesses, they would propose democratic participation structures, where workers or their elected representatives could freely, without fear of retribution, address any and all issues, not just the safe ones. Bravery or putting one's job on the line would not be necessary.

It is hardly just within businesses where crucial conversations are prevented despite one's best efforts. Bureaucracies and other barriers are often initiated specifically to prevent conversations. Try talking to an insurance company about drug or treatment denial. Try talking to a sales person about a corporate product or service. Try getting through a telephone answering system only to be stonewalled by an "associate." Try talking to a doctor about treatments or, better yet, fees. Try talking to a department head about the nature or conduct of your education. The list is endless where most people do not have a chance of a meaningful or effective conversation.

This book is like so many other "blame the victim" notions. If you are not having good conversations, it must be because "you" don't have the right "tools" to converse. It can't be that the person you are talking to has the power to inflict damage or is within a structure where they can simply ignore you or dispense pabulum. A democracy is based above all on wide-ranging conversation among equal citizens with hopefully widely accepted resolutions. Maybe some day in the US we will try a form of democracy within all of our organizations in which "conversations" are not one-sided with the possibility of punishment for even speaking. Now there is an idea for the authors to grasp.